What is strength?

Recently, we had one of those weekends that really tests you as a person.

My mom almost died. She had a medical condition she wasn't aware of, and was rushed into emergency surgery. I got the news while in the middle of shooting a portrait session. There's nothing like talking to your mom before surgery, and knowing it may be the last time you talk, and then putting on your game face for a client. I've now taken care of clients while having an ovarian cyst rupture, while having a miscarriage, and while worrying about my mom in emergency surgery.

We also found out that due to a banking error, we bounced several checks and had to pay all of the attached fines. We were thankfully able to borrow money to cover it until our other funds were accessible on the next business day. But we then had a list of calls to make to straighten out the bounced checks.

My oldest daughter, Bean, developed an infection in one of her lymph nodes. She had a golf ball-sized lump on the side of her neck. After being assured she was NOT contagious, she spent the night with some friends. Only to find out the next day she had strep throat and had most likely infected all of her friends. I spent the next several days trying to limit Bean and Squish's interactions with each other. Not easy with a 2-year-old. Squish thankfully didn't get it from her, but BigGuy did.

In the same weekend, I also got guilt trips from well-meaning relatives about areas of my life that they don't agree with. Said relatives tend to forget that I'm an adult and am fully capable of deciding what's right for me. They made some wild assumptions about what's going on in my life, based on very little accurate information. The kind of assumptions and judgments that make you want to move very far away and forget you even HAVE relatives.

With all of this stress, my medical condition flared up. I was unable to walk without assistance, and had intense pain. Frustrated with everything happening around me, and my lack of physical strength, I broke down and cried. I don't like feeling weak.

Then I tried to take a step back and analyze my situation better. If I was talking to a girlfriend going through the same things, I would have been amazed at her strength. I would have encouraged her that she was doing a better job than she realized. So even if I don't have the kind of strength I want, in some ways I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.