Mr. Cellophane....

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel invisible?

As a mom, I feel like I exist solely to feed my hungry children, change Squish's diapers, and keep them from killing each other. As a wife, I'm supposed to have a hot dinner ready each night, and keep the house relatively clean. As a business owner, I am supposed to keep my clients happy, no matter what's going on in my life.

But sometimes I feel like no one really SEES me.

Sometimes I feel like I put all the effort into my relationships. That if I stopped communicating, they wouldn't really notice. I send text messages that never get responses. Repeatedly ask questions that would take 30 seconds to answer... but never get an answer. Try to make appointments with no luck.

Sometimes I expect to look in the mirror and see no one there.

What is strength?

Recently, we had one of those weekends that really tests you as a person.

My mom almost died. She had a medical condition she wasn't aware of, and was rushed into emergency surgery. I got the news while in the middle of shooting a portrait session. There's nothing like talking to your mom before surgery, and knowing it may be the last time you talk, and then putting on your game face for a client. I've now taken care of clients while having an ovarian cyst rupture, while having a miscarriage, and while worrying about my mom in emergency surgery.

We also found out that due to a banking error, we bounced several checks and had to pay all of the attached fines. We were thankfully able to borrow money to cover it until our other funds were accessible on the next business day. But we then had a list of calls to make to straighten out the bounced checks.

My oldest daughter, Bean, developed an infection in one of her lymph nodes. She had a golf ball-sized lump on the side of her neck. After being assured she was NOT contagious, she spent the night with some friends. Only to find out the next day she had strep throat and had most likely infected all of her friends. I spent the next several days trying to limit Bean and Squish's interactions with each other. Not easy with a 2-year-old. Squish thankfully didn't get it from her, but BigGuy did.

In the same weekend, I also got guilt trips from well-meaning relatives about areas of my life that they don't agree with. Said relatives tend to forget that I'm an adult and am fully capable of deciding what's right for me. They made some wild assumptions about what's going on in my life, based on very little accurate information. The kind of assumptions and judgments that make you want to move very far away and forget you even HAVE relatives.

With all of this stress, my medical condition flared up. I was unable to walk without assistance, and had intense pain. Frustrated with everything happening around me, and my lack of physical strength, I broke down and cried. I don't like feeling weak.

Then I tried to take a step back and analyze my situation better. If I was talking to a girlfriend going through the same things, I would have been amazed at her strength. I would have encouraged her that she was doing a better job than she realized. So even if I don't have the kind of strength I want, in some ways I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

A Graduation, Of Sorts

Tuesday night was our preliminary graduation from pole dancing class. I say preliminary, because the official graduation is next week. But I filmed my classmates' routines so they could watch themselves. It was a nerve-wracking, but exciting, experience. I danced to one of my favorite songs, "Pour Some Sugar on Me." I even nailed the one move that has been giving me so much trouble.

I loved watching my Pole Sisters dance. They each have their own style... some vixens, some slow and sultry. We're all different body types, and from all different places in life. But we're all beautiful in our many ways. I feel like we have a little sorority that meets once a week. I love the camaraderie and the laughter, as well as the support and advice. It's everything I love about girl friendships, without the catty backbiting. Only positive comments and positive attitudes are allowed, and that makes for a very inspiring atmosphere.

So as I watched my own dance on video, my first thought was about how fat I look. Being a woman, I had to critique myself as usual.

But then I forced that thought out of my head. I watched myself, and saw the sensuality. I replayed my friends' comments in my head... that I looked hot... that they couldn't see any cellulite on my body... that I did an amazing job.

I realized I'm carrying myself differently since starting this class 2 months ago. I hold my head higher, and throw my shoulders back. My muscles are more defined, and I'm losing inches. I have more confidence in my body... even with its imperfections.

So while we are graduating from our level, I feel like I've also graduated to a new level of thinking. No, I'm not a supermodel. But I'm a sensual woman. I can do things I never thought I would be able to do. I can take time to do something that's just about me, and not feel guilty about it. And that's a pretty wonderful place to be.

Becoming a Pole Princess...

Tuesday was my first full Pole Dancing class, and it was fantastic! Much of what we covered was a recap from the teaser intro, which was fine with me. I needed my memory refreshed! We started off with introductions, and talked about what brought us to the class. As I sat with these women, I realized it had been a long time since I'd been in a setting like this.

I was an RA in college, and once a week the RAs would meet and share with each other. It brought us closer, and made us feel like we weren't alone in our struggles. Sitting with these women, talking about our life experiences, I felt like I was right back in college. I think the fact that we're all being vulnerable, and stepping out of our comfort zones together makes us feel unified in some way. We encourage each other, and giggle at our shortcomings.

Our instructor is so sweet and talented. I was in awe of her controlled movements and toned body. I can only hope mine will look half that good! She's confident, but humble, and ready to help us improve.

I think the biggest thing I'm learning from this class is to take time for myself. To feel my muscles stretch, to pay attention to my breathing, to notice how I'm carrying myself. My everyday life is anything but glamorous. I wipe noses, change diapers, and usually do not wear makeup. As I twirl around the pole, I feel girlie and relaxed. Oddly enough, it's not even about being sensual at this point. It's about turning my mind off, and doing something fun without over-thinking it. It's about watching the positive changes in my body... noticing that I can stretch a little further, seeing more definition in my muscles. It's about realizing that aside from being a Mom, a wife, a business owner.... I am a woman.

Let's Get Physical...

Ever since we lost the baby in September, I've been trying to lose weight. I'd love to get back to where I was when BigGuy and I got engaged. While my physical condition makes exercise difficult, it's also improved if I'm in good shape. Sort of a Catch-22.

So I started slowly, exercising on my Gazelle whenever I was able. For those who don't know what a Gazelle is, take a minute to look it up. If nothing else, then to laugh at how ridiculous Tony Little looks. I like the machine, because it doesn't hurt my knees like a stair stepper. But I cannot stand listening to Little's over-hyped voice telling me what to do. I usually opted for music, or a good book/magazine.

As I started to improve, I added the Bowflex to my routine. I used to lift weights a lot when I was in high school and college, so there's something very satisfying about getting my muscles back into shape. It's amazing how much your body remembers about form, and it almost seems like it craves being in good shape again.

I still have bad days (including this past weekend when I had some sort of stomach problem), so I don't get to work out every day. But it has definitely improved my overall physical condition. Right now I'm averaging a workout every other day.

I did not make any major changes to my diet. Let's face it... I love to eat. So any time I've tried to make a diet change that restricted what I eat, I get cranky and end up cheating. Instead, I'm making small changes that will benefit me. In the evening, if I really want a dessert, I can have one unhealthy thing or two healthy things. Before my sickness this last weekend, I had completely gone off pop, because it leaves me feeling bloated and sick. I've also cut back on my dairy intake quite a bit. But believe me, I still love my pizza!

So, with these changes, I'm really excited to be a quarter of the way to my goal weight. Hopefully I can keep my slow-and-steady pace up to get to my goal!

Just One Stomach Flu Away From My Goal Weight....

This past weekend I had some sort of stomach thing going on. Either the flu or food poisoning or something. I had a gig on Saturday, and had to run to the restroom twice in the middle of it to hug the toilet. Luckily it was a very nice couple who didn't make a big deal out of it.

So in between trips, I realized women never really get knocked out of commission. I have a very sympathetic husband, who takes the kids with no complaint if I'm not feeling well. This is not a rant against him. But women, in general, keep working, cleaning, taking care of the kids when they're sick.

Most men I know revert to their childhoods when they're sick. They take off work, refuse showers until their clothes stand alone, and demand comfort foods. One of my best guy friends is the biggest baby I know when he's sick. He lays in bed and moans for days while his wife continues to take care of their five children. BigGuy asks for a special soup I make only when he's sick.

When I told my one girlfriend that I was sick, she reminded me to look at the plus side... I was losing weight.

So as I move back into the land of the eating, I give myself a small pat on the back for being a woman. And for keeping these Saltines down.

You want me to do WHAT now?

Recently a good friend of mine talked me into taking an introductory dance class. No big deal right? I love to dance. Except that this particular dance style involves a pole. This is one of those times I'm glad most of you don't know who I am in real life.

I would consider myself to be a sensual person, but due to my strict conservative upbringing, I usually keep it hidden from the general population. It's between me and my darling husband. Women on poles are generally considered sluts, in my social circles. So to willingly put myself on a pole was not natural for me. Even if it IS for exercise. Apparently there is this whole world of pole dancing for exercise that has nothing to do with stripping. They even have championship competitions.

As we nervously arrived at the studio, I soaked in the beautiful feminine decor, and tried to relax. A few whoops and catcalls from the next room startled me, and my friend and I eyed each other, wondering what to expect. The owner asked if we'd like to watch the class that was graduating, so we could see some of what we'd be learning. We nodded, and followed her into the dance studio.

Now, you have to understand, my experience with pole dancing is limited to Susan's performance on Desperate Housewives a couple of weeks ago. I have never been to a strip club, or seen anyone dance like that in real life. So I felt a strange mix of awe and embarrassment as these women moved sensually and acrobatically around the poles. There was no shyness on their parts... they loved what they were doing. It was an art form, the way they flipped around and balanced perfectly. I was most impressed with a bigger girl who danced with abandon, loving her curves and showing her confidence.

Thankfully, our introduction class was limited to two trainers, and my friend and I. In the darkened room, we did some stretching, and just paid attention to ourselves. It was odd for me to spend so much focusing on myself. I recalled the paperwork we signed when we arrived, that said no negative body talk was allowed. It was safe here. I didn't have to hold in my fat rolls, or worry about my crooked smile. No one was looking at me and judging. It was very freeing.

After one of the toughest core workouts I've EVER had, we moved to the poles. It was a learning experience for both my friend and I, as we both tend to over-think things. The instructor told us to just relax and not think.... just spin and have fun. Once I was able to turn my brain off, I actually enjoyed it and did it "right". I felt sexy and strong. And MAN was I sore the next day! I think what I took away from it the most is the attitude there. That as women, we deserve to take time to feel sexy and important. That we need to feed into ourselves in order to have the energy to give back to our families.

So will I be working the pole as a part-time job? Definitely not. But I have a lot more respect for how much skill and strength it takes! I signed up for the class, and I'm excited to see how it improves both my body and my self-esteem. I've decided this is the year to stretch out of my comfort zone, and try things I would never usually try. I can only hope to grow as a person because of it.

Why is Flirting Fun?

A friend of mine recently got honked and whistled at while she was walking with her baby stroller. She said she didn't know if she should be flattered or offended. This brought out a range of comments from other women our age. I, for one, have never been offended if a guy flirts or whistles. Let's face it, it's kind of fun! BigGuy also gets flirted with by the occasional waitress, and I think it's kind of cute how oblivious he is to it.

So it begs the question, how much flirting is ok? We're very secure in our marriage and our monogamous lifestyle. I trust BigGuy implicitly, as he does me. So where does one draw the line between harmless fun and something to be concerned about?

It Takes a Village...

How many clones do YOU need? I often feel like I never have enough time to do the things I want, without sacrificing the things I need to do. Here's my wish list for the Clone Fairy (whom I picture to be as a rather tall, cigar-smoking, middle-aged balding man with a beer belly, for some reason).
- A Cleaning Clone - For only four people, we go through a lot of dishes. And don't even get me started on Mount Laundry.
- A Cooking Clone - So I can live up to BigGuy's memories of three square meals served daily. All complete with sides of freshly picked vegetables, of course.
- A Business Owner Clone - So much of my day is taken up with editing and other work that I need to do. I love doing it, but would love to spend time with the kids as well!
- A Secretary Clone - To take care of the details... mailing bills, pickup and drop-off at school, shipping finished products, returning phone calls and emails, bringing snacks for school, etc.
- A Minor Emergency Fixer Clone - For all of the "Mommy I bumped my chin on the pillow!" and "She's TOUCHING me!" crises.
- A Wife Clone - I think we all know what this one's for.
- A Catching Up on the DVR Clone - Why do I always record way more than I can ever watch?
- A Snuggling Clone - Because Squish is at that age where 98% of her ideal day is spent snuggling on the couch watching TV. Unfortunately this doesn't allow me to get much else done.
- A Facebook/Chatboard/Blog Updating Clone - A favorite past-time, to be sure... but also a huge time-suck. Even after I've let all my farms go to seed.

Ok... what did I miss?