Inane Children's Shows

Why do children's programmers assume their shows need to be sugary and inane to keep a kid's imagination? It's for this reason that the entire Barney dynasty is banned from my house. Purple dinosaurs rank up there with Chris Farley on my annoyance spectrum.

By far the worst offenders are Christian children's shows. Having worked for a Christian publisher, I saw more poorly-produced shows than I'd like to admit. Cheesy accents, enormous mis-matched mustaches, over-pronounced words, and perky songs about nothing. Throw in a puppet and you've got yourself a best-seller.

The only Christian children's show I can bear to sit through is Veggie Tales. Smartly written, there are often jokes aimed just at the parents. It's obviously still geared towards kids, but it's not nearly as obnoxious as other offerings. Kids can learn from shows without hyper-color cheesiness. Don't insult their intelligence.

Don't Bite Your Friends

Recently, while at a friend's house, the kids were watching Yo Gabba Gabba. Can we talk about this show? Clearly the creators were on some very special, very illegal medications while coming up with this stuff. I never did LSD, but it's what I'd imagine an LSD trip would be like.

First we have the guy in the furry orange outfit. Is he a bandleader? A conductor? The exotic uncle you hope doesn't come to the family reunion?

And then there's the giant dancing sex toy. You can't tell me the adults on the show didn't look at that thing and say "Hm... phallic shape, little bumps.... yeah let's put it on and see if the parents giggle."

But the thing that really amused me was the song they were singing; the chorus of which was "Don't bite your friends." I mean, don't get me wrong... I don't want my kids biting anyone. But doesn't this seem like an odd thing to write a song about? What's next, "Don't play with your poop"? Although as the mom of a 2-year-old who's currently obsessed with all things potty, this might be a good idea.

I think they need to make more Captain Obvious songs for adults. "Don't flick off another driver when you did the bad thing" would be a good one. "Muffin Tops and Camel Toes are not attractive" would be another interesting song. Or "Don't complain about your weight while eating a gallon of ice cream." Hmm. This could be fun.

Does this tie make me look fat?

Today I was wondering why you never hear a guy complain about his weight. You don't catch him checking out his backside in the mirror, or griping about how a tank top makes his arms look flabby. Everyone knows I love my BigGuy, and he'll be the first to admit he's no muscleman. But he's not self-conscious about it. As long as the kids are safely asleep behind closed doors, he will proudly parade around naked.... a feat I will only attempt when sucking in, lifting, jutting, and hoping he's had enough beer to think I look hot.

Every guy I know (no matter what he looks like), thinks he's DARN sexy. When asked to rate themselves on a scale of one to ten, most of my girlfriends averaged around a 3 or 4. My guy friends averaged around a 20. Because 10 just wasn't enough to contain all their hotness, natch.

I have to wonder if this stems (at least in part) from Hollywood's blatant double standard as far as appearances. Almost every sitcom you see on TV has an overweight, normal-looking husband, and a hot wife. Where are the shows with cellulite-ridden, chocolate-eating housewives married to ripped underwear models? It only seems fair.

As a photographer, I KNOW that the images I see in magazines are heavily airbrushed and tweaked. But it's still hard not to look at that perfect body and compare it to my own.

I guess I need to be thankful that BigGuy doesn't hold me to the same standard as I hold myself. He'll gladly wolf whistle and holler compliments at me that would make a construction worker blush. He doesn't see the cellulite and the love handles. Maybe this is one area where I need to see the world through his eyes.

Mommy Nazis

We all know them. Some of us may actually be them. Mommy Nazis.

These are the moms who are intent on making every other mom feel insecure about her parenting skills. Who sneer down their nose at your garage-sale-find stroller because it doesn't have the right name on it. Who are horrified that you don't buy organic food for your baby, let alone that you don't make it from scratch. Her child is learning Mandarin, while mine learns Spanish from Dora and Handy Manny.

Why do we do this to each other? When will we accept that there is no right way and no wrong way to raise a child? That as long as the kid is happy and healthy and safe... it's perfectly alright for them to play at the park without 2 gallons of antibacterial lotion being involved.

Unfortunately, I think we'll always be at war. The Stay-At-Home-Moms (SAHM) versus the Working Moms. The Breastfeeders versus the Formula Feeders. The ones who let their kids watch TV, versus the ones who would never dream of it.

I recently had someone tell me I could never do a fantastic job of parenting because I work from home. Therefore I can't give 100% of my attention to my children at all times. My question is this... what is this mother preparing her children for? When these kids go to school, and the teacher has to divide her attention between 25 children... will there be a meltdown? But this M.N. is in the bully category... she can do no wrong, in her eyes. So I just went on my way, and tried to put it out of my mind. Add it to the list of fears I have as a mom... that I'm somehow depriving them of a normal childhood because I choose to work.