A Graduation, Of Sorts

Tuesday night was our preliminary graduation from pole dancing class. I say preliminary, because the official graduation is next week. But I filmed my classmates' routines so they could watch themselves. It was a nerve-wracking, but exciting, experience. I danced to one of my favorite songs, "Pour Some Sugar on Me." I even nailed the one move that has been giving me so much trouble.

I loved watching my Pole Sisters dance. They each have their own style... some vixens, some slow and sultry. We're all different body types, and from all different places in life. But we're all beautiful in our many ways. I feel like we have a little sorority that meets once a week. I love the camaraderie and the laughter, as well as the support and advice. It's everything I love about girl friendships, without the catty backbiting. Only positive comments and positive attitudes are allowed, and that makes for a very inspiring atmosphere.

So as I watched my own dance on video, my first thought was about how fat I look. Being a woman, I had to critique myself as usual.

But then I forced that thought out of my head. I watched myself, and saw the sensuality. I replayed my friends' comments in my head... that I looked hot... that they couldn't see any cellulite on my body... that I did an amazing job.

I realized I'm carrying myself differently since starting this class 2 months ago. I hold my head higher, and throw my shoulders back. My muscles are more defined, and I'm losing inches. I have more confidence in my body... even with its imperfections.

So while we are graduating from our level, I feel like I've also graduated to a new level of thinking. No, I'm not a supermodel. But I'm a sensual woman. I can do things I never thought I would be able to do. I can take time to do something that's just about me, and not feel guilty about it. And that's a pretty wonderful place to be.

Becoming a Pole Princess...

Tuesday was my first full Pole Dancing class, and it was fantastic! Much of what we covered was a recap from the teaser intro, which was fine with me. I needed my memory refreshed! We started off with introductions, and talked about what brought us to the class. As I sat with these women, I realized it had been a long time since I'd been in a setting like this.

I was an RA in college, and once a week the RAs would meet and share with each other. It brought us closer, and made us feel like we weren't alone in our struggles. Sitting with these women, talking about our life experiences, I felt like I was right back in college. I think the fact that we're all being vulnerable, and stepping out of our comfort zones together makes us feel unified in some way. We encourage each other, and giggle at our shortcomings.

Our instructor is so sweet and talented. I was in awe of her controlled movements and toned body. I can only hope mine will look half that good! She's confident, but humble, and ready to help us improve.

I think the biggest thing I'm learning from this class is to take time for myself. To feel my muscles stretch, to pay attention to my breathing, to notice how I'm carrying myself. My everyday life is anything but glamorous. I wipe noses, change diapers, and usually do not wear makeup. As I twirl around the pole, I feel girlie and relaxed. Oddly enough, it's not even about being sensual at this point. It's about turning my mind off, and doing something fun without over-thinking it. It's about watching the positive changes in my body... noticing that I can stretch a little further, seeing more definition in my muscles. It's about realizing that aside from being a Mom, a wife, a business owner.... I am a woman.

Zumba!

Last night was my first Zumba class. For those who haven't heard of it, Zumba is an exercise class that uses Latin-style dance. I signed up with a good friend of mine, and the class runs for 12 weeks. It's quite possible the instructor will kill me before then.

Our instructor is a vivacious, curvy woman who's a cop during the day (much to the chagrin of my recently-ticketed friend). Her love for dance is contagious, and she's encouraging without being obnoxious. I was grateful that I had some dance background, since there wasn't a lot of training involved. She basically started dancing and let us follow. I realized just how out-of-shape I was midway through the second fast song. And then she informed us that we were done doing the slow stuff and she was ready to pick up the pace. I told my friend if I was home watching a video, I would've paused her butt by now.

I finished my bottle of water about halfway through the class (next time I will bring two!), but I had a blast. I haven't salsa danced in years, so it was wonderful to feel that rhythm again. Amazingly enough I was able to drag my butt out of bed this morning. Hopefully this class will help me get back to my much smaller self! :)

Let's Get Physical...

Ever since we lost the baby in September, I've been trying to lose weight. I'd love to get back to where I was when BigGuy and I got engaged. While my physical condition makes exercise difficult, it's also improved if I'm in good shape. Sort of a Catch-22.

So I started slowly, exercising on my Gazelle whenever I was able. For those who don't know what a Gazelle is, take a minute to look it up. If nothing else, then to laugh at how ridiculous Tony Little looks. I like the machine, because it doesn't hurt my knees like a stair stepper. But I cannot stand listening to Little's over-hyped voice telling me what to do. I usually opted for music, or a good book/magazine.

As I started to improve, I added the Bowflex to my routine. I used to lift weights a lot when I was in high school and college, so there's something very satisfying about getting my muscles back into shape. It's amazing how much your body remembers about form, and it almost seems like it craves being in good shape again.

I still have bad days (including this past weekend when I had some sort of stomach problem), so I don't get to work out every day. But it has definitely improved my overall physical condition. Right now I'm averaging a workout every other day.

I did not make any major changes to my diet. Let's face it... I love to eat. So any time I've tried to make a diet change that restricted what I eat, I get cranky and end up cheating. Instead, I'm making small changes that will benefit me. In the evening, if I really want a dessert, I can have one unhealthy thing or two healthy things. Before my sickness this last weekend, I had completely gone off pop, because it leaves me feeling bloated and sick. I've also cut back on my dairy intake quite a bit. But believe me, I still love my pizza!

So, with these changes, I'm really excited to be a quarter of the way to my goal weight. Hopefully I can keep my slow-and-steady pace up to get to my goal!

You want me to do WHAT now?

Recently a good friend of mine talked me into taking an introductory dance class. No big deal right? I love to dance. Except that this particular dance style involves a pole. This is one of those times I'm glad most of you don't know who I am in real life.

I would consider myself to be a sensual person, but due to my strict conservative upbringing, I usually keep it hidden from the general population. It's between me and my darling husband. Women on poles are generally considered sluts, in my social circles. So to willingly put myself on a pole was not natural for me. Even if it IS for exercise. Apparently there is this whole world of pole dancing for exercise that has nothing to do with stripping. They even have championship competitions.

As we nervously arrived at the studio, I soaked in the beautiful feminine decor, and tried to relax. A few whoops and catcalls from the next room startled me, and my friend and I eyed each other, wondering what to expect. The owner asked if we'd like to watch the class that was graduating, so we could see some of what we'd be learning. We nodded, and followed her into the dance studio.

Now, you have to understand, my experience with pole dancing is limited to Susan's performance on Desperate Housewives a couple of weeks ago. I have never been to a strip club, or seen anyone dance like that in real life. So I felt a strange mix of awe and embarrassment as these women moved sensually and acrobatically around the poles. There was no shyness on their parts... they loved what they were doing. It was an art form, the way they flipped around and balanced perfectly. I was most impressed with a bigger girl who danced with abandon, loving her curves and showing her confidence.

Thankfully, our introduction class was limited to two trainers, and my friend and I. In the darkened room, we did some stretching, and just paid attention to ourselves. It was odd for me to spend so much focusing on myself. I recalled the paperwork we signed when we arrived, that said no negative body talk was allowed. It was safe here. I didn't have to hold in my fat rolls, or worry about my crooked smile. No one was looking at me and judging. It was very freeing.

After one of the toughest core workouts I've EVER had, we moved to the poles. It was a learning experience for both my friend and I, as we both tend to over-think things. The instructor told us to just relax and not think.... just spin and have fun. Once I was able to turn my brain off, I actually enjoyed it and did it "right". I felt sexy and strong. And MAN was I sore the next day! I think what I took away from it the most is the attitude there. That as women, we deserve to take time to feel sexy and important. That we need to feed into ourselves in order to have the energy to give back to our families.

So will I be working the pole as a part-time job? Definitely not. But I have a lot more respect for how much skill and strength it takes! I signed up for the class, and I'm excited to see how it improves both my body and my self-esteem. I've decided this is the year to stretch out of my comfort zone, and try things I would never usually try. I can only hope to grow as a person because of it.

Personal Space... Or Lack Thereof

I'm a fairly cuddly person. I love giving hugs, and snuggling with my family. But sometimes, I need my personal space. Today is one of those days. And today, like every other day, all three of us are jammed into one small couch cushion while I type this. We have a good-sized home. Big enough for a family of four, that's for sure. But without fail, at some point in the day, all four of us end up squished together. Sometimes the dog will even join in. Not that I mind being close to my three favorite people. But it makes it difficult to do my work, or type my blog posts.

This morning, my muscles were sore from an especially enthusiastic workout routine yesterday. I decided to bust out my old yoga DVD. I say old because it's a prenatal video, which usually prompts questions from Bean about my chubby tummy. But if you ignore all the sappy references to the "miraculous growing being inside you," it's a fantastic workout.

About halfway through the video, I remembered WHY I haven't done this video in a while. Bean likes to try to join me in doing yoga. Of course she wants to share the mat with me, so I'm bending and twisting at even stranger angles to avoid clocking her in the head. Today, while trying to do floor work, Squish decided she wanted to sit on my lap. It was easy enough to adapt when I was doing leg stretches, etc. But not so easy when I'm trying to do plank and table poses. The final straw was when I was trying to relax in Child's Pose, and she lifted my head up because she thought I was sad. "Mama SMILE!"

I gave up. I guess this is how my children ensure they will have a nice comfy lap to sit in for years to come.

A Cuddly Elephant

Bean was snuggling up to me the other day, and she hit me with this beauty: "Mama, you're so cuddly and warm! Like a big elephant!" Gee thanks. Time to get serious about losing that weight.