What is strength?

Recently, we had one of those weekends that really tests you as a person.

My mom almost died. She had a medical condition she wasn't aware of, and was rushed into emergency surgery. I got the news while in the middle of shooting a portrait session. There's nothing like talking to your mom before surgery, and knowing it may be the last time you talk, and then putting on your game face for a client. I've now taken care of clients while having an ovarian cyst rupture, while having a miscarriage, and while worrying about my mom in emergency surgery.

We also found out that due to a banking error, we bounced several checks and had to pay all of the attached fines. We were thankfully able to borrow money to cover it until our other funds were accessible on the next business day. But we then had a list of calls to make to straighten out the bounced checks.

My oldest daughter, Bean, developed an infection in one of her lymph nodes. She had a golf ball-sized lump on the side of her neck. After being assured she was NOT contagious, she spent the night with some friends. Only to find out the next day she had strep throat and had most likely infected all of her friends. I spent the next several days trying to limit Bean and Squish's interactions with each other. Not easy with a 2-year-old. Squish thankfully didn't get it from her, but BigGuy did.

In the same weekend, I also got guilt trips from well-meaning relatives about areas of my life that they don't agree with. Said relatives tend to forget that I'm an adult and am fully capable of deciding what's right for me. They made some wild assumptions about what's going on in my life, based on very little accurate information. The kind of assumptions and judgments that make you want to move very far away and forget you even HAVE relatives.

With all of this stress, my medical condition flared up. I was unable to walk without assistance, and had intense pain. Frustrated with everything happening around me, and my lack of physical strength, I broke down and cried. I don't like feeling weak.

Then I tried to take a step back and analyze my situation better. If I was talking to a girlfriend going through the same things, I would have been amazed at her strength. I would have encouraged her that she was doing a better job than she realized. So even if I don't have the kind of strength I want, in some ways I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

Does this tie make me look fat?

Today I was wondering why you never hear a guy complain about his weight. You don't catch him checking out his backside in the mirror, or griping about how a tank top makes his arms look flabby. Everyone knows I love my BigGuy, and he'll be the first to admit he's no muscleman. But he's not self-conscious about it. As long as the kids are safely asleep behind closed doors, he will proudly parade around naked.... a feat I will only attempt when sucking in, lifting, jutting, and hoping he's had enough beer to think I look hot.

Every guy I know (no matter what he looks like), thinks he's DARN sexy. When asked to rate themselves on a scale of one to ten, most of my girlfriends averaged around a 3 or 4. My guy friends averaged around a 20. Because 10 just wasn't enough to contain all their hotness, natch.

I have to wonder if this stems (at least in part) from Hollywood's blatant double standard as far as appearances. Almost every sitcom you see on TV has an overweight, normal-looking husband, and a hot wife. Where are the shows with cellulite-ridden, chocolate-eating housewives married to ripped underwear models? It only seems fair.

As a photographer, I KNOW that the images I see in magazines are heavily airbrushed and tweaked. But it's still hard not to look at that perfect body and compare it to my own.

I guess I need to be thankful that BigGuy doesn't hold me to the same standard as I hold myself. He'll gladly wolf whistle and holler compliments at me that would make a construction worker blush. He doesn't see the cellulite and the love handles. Maybe this is one area where I need to see the world through his eyes.

A Graduation, Of Sorts

Tuesday night was our preliminary graduation from pole dancing class. I say preliminary, because the official graduation is next week. But I filmed my classmates' routines so they could watch themselves. It was a nerve-wracking, but exciting, experience. I danced to one of my favorite songs, "Pour Some Sugar on Me." I even nailed the one move that has been giving me so much trouble.

I loved watching my Pole Sisters dance. They each have their own style... some vixens, some slow and sultry. We're all different body types, and from all different places in life. But we're all beautiful in our many ways. I feel like we have a little sorority that meets once a week. I love the camaraderie and the laughter, as well as the support and advice. It's everything I love about girl friendships, without the catty backbiting. Only positive comments and positive attitudes are allowed, and that makes for a very inspiring atmosphere.

So as I watched my own dance on video, my first thought was about how fat I look. Being a woman, I had to critique myself as usual.

But then I forced that thought out of my head. I watched myself, and saw the sensuality. I replayed my friends' comments in my head... that I looked hot... that they couldn't see any cellulite on my body... that I did an amazing job.

I realized I'm carrying myself differently since starting this class 2 months ago. I hold my head higher, and throw my shoulders back. My muscles are more defined, and I'm losing inches. I have more confidence in my body... even with its imperfections.

So while we are graduating from our level, I feel like I've also graduated to a new level of thinking. No, I'm not a supermodel. But I'm a sensual woman. I can do things I never thought I would be able to do. I can take time to do something that's just about me, and not feel guilty about it. And that's a pretty wonderful place to be.

Squish's Emerging Personality

It's been so fun watching Squish turn into her own little person. Now that she's almost two, we see so many glimpses of what she will be like. She's less dramatic than Bean, and much bolder. She's not afraid to let you know when she's annoyed, and inherited ALL of my Irish temper. She loves to laugh, and tries to copy her big sister all the time.

The girls love to put on "shows" on our fireplace hearth. Before, Squish would just sit there and giggle along while Bean did most of the performing. But Now Squish will stand up and imitate Bean's movements, even adding in music and dance steps where she feels necessary.

It's also been interesting watching her grow apart from Bean a bit. While she still looks up to her big sister, she's definitely hitting that "Independent Two's" phase.

The other day, Bean was VERY excited to go see a friend of hers. She jumped around and squealed for a good 5 minutes. Squish, who had just woken up, watched her mildly. She then looked at me and deadpanned, "Wow." Her comic timing is fantastic.

A few nights ago, the girls were eating dinner, sitting next to each other as usual. Bean asked politely, "Can you please not touch me?" Squish thought about it, and then matter-of-factly said, "No." Bean tried again. "Well, could you at least wipe your hands first?" Squish shook her head no... "Nuh-uh." I guess at least she's honest!

Becoming a Pole Princess...

Tuesday was my first full Pole Dancing class, and it was fantastic! Much of what we covered was a recap from the teaser intro, which was fine with me. I needed my memory refreshed! We started off with introductions, and talked about what brought us to the class. As I sat with these women, I realized it had been a long time since I'd been in a setting like this.

I was an RA in college, and once a week the RAs would meet and share with each other. It brought us closer, and made us feel like we weren't alone in our struggles. Sitting with these women, talking about our life experiences, I felt like I was right back in college. I think the fact that we're all being vulnerable, and stepping out of our comfort zones together makes us feel unified in some way. We encourage each other, and giggle at our shortcomings.

Our instructor is so sweet and talented. I was in awe of her controlled movements and toned body. I can only hope mine will look half that good! She's confident, but humble, and ready to help us improve.

I think the biggest thing I'm learning from this class is to take time for myself. To feel my muscles stretch, to pay attention to my breathing, to notice how I'm carrying myself. My everyday life is anything but glamorous. I wipe noses, change diapers, and usually do not wear makeup. As I twirl around the pole, I feel girlie and relaxed. Oddly enough, it's not even about being sensual at this point. It's about turning my mind off, and doing something fun without over-thinking it. It's about watching the positive changes in my body... noticing that I can stretch a little further, seeing more definition in my muscles. It's about realizing that aside from being a Mom, a wife, a business owner.... I am a woman.

Zumba!

Last night was my first Zumba class. For those who haven't heard of it, Zumba is an exercise class that uses Latin-style dance. I signed up with a good friend of mine, and the class runs for 12 weeks. It's quite possible the instructor will kill me before then.

Our instructor is a vivacious, curvy woman who's a cop during the day (much to the chagrin of my recently-ticketed friend). Her love for dance is contagious, and she's encouraging without being obnoxious. I was grateful that I had some dance background, since there wasn't a lot of training involved. She basically started dancing and let us follow. I realized just how out-of-shape I was midway through the second fast song. And then she informed us that we were done doing the slow stuff and she was ready to pick up the pace. I told my friend if I was home watching a video, I would've paused her butt by now.

I finished my bottle of water about halfway through the class (next time I will bring two!), but I had a blast. I haven't salsa danced in years, so it was wonderful to feel that rhythm again. Amazingly enough I was able to drag my butt out of bed this morning. Hopefully this class will help me get back to my much smaller self! :)

Let's Get Physical...

Ever since we lost the baby in September, I've been trying to lose weight. I'd love to get back to where I was when BigGuy and I got engaged. While my physical condition makes exercise difficult, it's also improved if I'm in good shape. Sort of a Catch-22.

So I started slowly, exercising on my Gazelle whenever I was able. For those who don't know what a Gazelle is, take a minute to look it up. If nothing else, then to laugh at how ridiculous Tony Little looks. I like the machine, because it doesn't hurt my knees like a stair stepper. But I cannot stand listening to Little's over-hyped voice telling me what to do. I usually opted for music, or a good book/magazine.

As I started to improve, I added the Bowflex to my routine. I used to lift weights a lot when I was in high school and college, so there's something very satisfying about getting my muscles back into shape. It's amazing how much your body remembers about form, and it almost seems like it craves being in good shape again.

I still have bad days (including this past weekend when I had some sort of stomach problem), so I don't get to work out every day. But it has definitely improved my overall physical condition. Right now I'm averaging a workout every other day.

I did not make any major changes to my diet. Let's face it... I love to eat. So any time I've tried to make a diet change that restricted what I eat, I get cranky and end up cheating. Instead, I'm making small changes that will benefit me. In the evening, if I really want a dessert, I can have one unhealthy thing or two healthy things. Before my sickness this last weekend, I had completely gone off pop, because it leaves me feeling bloated and sick. I've also cut back on my dairy intake quite a bit. But believe me, I still love my pizza!

So, with these changes, I'm really excited to be a quarter of the way to my goal weight. Hopefully I can keep my slow-and-steady pace up to get to my goal!

Just One Stomach Flu Away From My Goal Weight....

This past weekend I had some sort of stomach thing going on. Either the flu or food poisoning or something. I had a gig on Saturday, and had to run to the restroom twice in the middle of it to hug the toilet. Luckily it was a very nice couple who didn't make a big deal out of it.

So in between trips, I realized women never really get knocked out of commission. I have a very sympathetic husband, who takes the kids with no complaint if I'm not feeling well. This is not a rant against him. But women, in general, keep working, cleaning, taking care of the kids when they're sick.

Most men I know revert to their childhoods when they're sick. They take off work, refuse showers until their clothes stand alone, and demand comfort foods. One of my best guy friends is the biggest baby I know when he's sick. He lays in bed and moans for days while his wife continues to take care of their five children. BigGuy asks for a special soup I make only when he's sick.

When I told my one girlfriend that I was sick, she reminded me to look at the plus side... I was losing weight.

So as I move back into the land of the eating, I give myself a small pat on the back for being a woman. And for keeping these Saltines down.

You want me to do WHAT now?

Recently a good friend of mine talked me into taking an introductory dance class. No big deal right? I love to dance. Except that this particular dance style involves a pole. This is one of those times I'm glad most of you don't know who I am in real life.

I would consider myself to be a sensual person, but due to my strict conservative upbringing, I usually keep it hidden from the general population. It's between me and my darling husband. Women on poles are generally considered sluts, in my social circles. So to willingly put myself on a pole was not natural for me. Even if it IS for exercise. Apparently there is this whole world of pole dancing for exercise that has nothing to do with stripping. They even have championship competitions.

As we nervously arrived at the studio, I soaked in the beautiful feminine decor, and tried to relax. A few whoops and catcalls from the next room startled me, and my friend and I eyed each other, wondering what to expect. The owner asked if we'd like to watch the class that was graduating, so we could see some of what we'd be learning. We nodded, and followed her into the dance studio.

Now, you have to understand, my experience with pole dancing is limited to Susan's performance on Desperate Housewives a couple of weeks ago. I have never been to a strip club, or seen anyone dance like that in real life. So I felt a strange mix of awe and embarrassment as these women moved sensually and acrobatically around the poles. There was no shyness on their parts... they loved what they were doing. It was an art form, the way they flipped around and balanced perfectly. I was most impressed with a bigger girl who danced with abandon, loving her curves and showing her confidence.

Thankfully, our introduction class was limited to two trainers, and my friend and I. In the darkened room, we did some stretching, and just paid attention to ourselves. It was odd for me to spend so much focusing on myself. I recalled the paperwork we signed when we arrived, that said no negative body talk was allowed. It was safe here. I didn't have to hold in my fat rolls, or worry about my crooked smile. No one was looking at me and judging. It was very freeing.

After one of the toughest core workouts I've EVER had, we moved to the poles. It was a learning experience for both my friend and I, as we both tend to over-think things. The instructor told us to just relax and not think.... just spin and have fun. Once I was able to turn my brain off, I actually enjoyed it and did it "right". I felt sexy and strong. And MAN was I sore the next day! I think what I took away from it the most is the attitude there. That as women, we deserve to take time to feel sexy and important. That we need to feed into ourselves in order to have the energy to give back to our families.

So will I be working the pole as a part-time job? Definitely not. But I have a lot more respect for how much skill and strength it takes! I signed up for the class, and I'm excited to see how it improves both my body and my self-esteem. I've decided this is the year to stretch out of my comfort zone, and try things I would never usually try. I can only hope to grow as a person because of it.

Lack of Communication

I consider myself to be a fairly down-to-earth person. I don't think I'm too hard to talk to, and I'm pretty understanding. So I get frustrated when friends of mine don't communicate. Such has been the case with a friend who I've known for several years. All of a sudden, she won't acknowledge me.

It started a few months ago when she started becoming friends with the group I not-so-fondly call the Mommy Nazis. I was worried they would change her. She knew how much I hate them, but she likes to be friendly with everyone. So we stayed friends, but I felt myself guarding what I said, for fear it would make its way back to my enemies.

Recently I completely forgot we had an appointment. She texted me to see if we were still getting together, and I realized I had forgotten our date. I apologized profusely, and even made an effort to cancel the plans I was in the middle of to meet her. She said it was no big deal. But apparently it was a big deal. Now things are strange, and I have the feeling she's walking away from our friendship. We had plans for her to work with me as a client (as she has many times in the past), and now she's cancelled that.

Is it strange of me to think that a friend should cut you more slack than this? I know if one of my girlfriends forgot an appointment with me, I would feel frustrated but not make a big issue out of it. It's hard not to blame the women who've made my life a living hell. But I am sad to think she would be that easily swayed.

I am a communicator. I like to resolve issues quickly, and can't stand to have things unexplained. If one of my friends doesn't seem to be talking much, I get concerned that they're upset with me, etc. I like to have peace in my relationships.

She is non-confrontational. I don't know how to address this, without things getting more uncomfortable. Sometimes I hate being a girl.